University of I’m an Enlisted Joe


      “Being stationed over seas sucks. All the chicks on base are gross AF, and the only real action is out in the major cities of Europe. So This last weekend me and 3 of the guys in my platoon went to Berlin. Hit this underground club downtown, In one night took 5 shots of patron, downed 4 red bull vodka’s, and 3 shots of Jack. Threw up in a bathroom, finger f****d a girl on the dance floor, saw a midget and a girl in a thong and an astronaut helmet crowd surf in an inflatable raft,had a go go dancer poor run down my throat from a cage, did blow, and finally took an Australian back to the hotel we were at. Had BOMB sex. With all 3 of the guys asleep in the same room. Anyway thanks for paying your taxes and giving me the funds to defend your freedom etc etc and party like an animal.”


      Pittsburgh University


        So I decide to visit my best bud from college one weekend. We have drank a lot back in the day and a lot of my classmates that go to psu as well. We start out Saturday trying to kick our hangovers from the night before. We just chill in the pool until it’s like 7 or 8, time for us to shower and get ready to party. So we head into his apartment and start drinking and get ready to go out. We hit a couple beer bongs then get a ride to buddy’s house who is having a party. My best bud and I decide to play a few games of beer darts, pound several beers from that plus a power hour going on in the background. Nevertheless, I’m drunk and he’s drunker. A friend of his shows up with a beer bong and we hit a couple beers then my best bud (unknowingly to me until later) bongs a water bottle of vodka. The party we were at got shut down for being too loud and next thing I remember is being with some random people, my best bud and some really hot foreign girls and we were waiting on safe ride to get us to another party. Memory starts fading and I remember being at this next party and talking to a friend for a while that I hadn’t seen or heard from in a couple years. That kid goes home and I decide that’s a good idea for me to do as well. I couldn’t find my best bud, and I just figured he got a safe ride to his apartment so I stumble the 8 blocks to his apartment holding a cooler full of beer. I get to his apartment, no answer, tried kicking his door in, that didn’t work. At this point, I had no place to stay. I just sat in front of his door and chug a couple beers, his gay neighbor comes out to see what the commotion was and offered me a place to stay and some bong rips. I said f**k no to that offer and decided to grab the last safe ride of the night, after I put my beer in my car for safe keeping, to the house of the first party. Host was a c lassmate and said I could crash. While on safe ride, I get a call from my best bud, but it wasn’t him, some guy told me to get to the dorms and get my friend home. The safe ride driver asked what f*****g dorms and the dude on the phone said nation. It should be said right now that I can’t hardly walk, I’ve only been in the this town maybe a handful of times and never on campus so I’m lost as hell. Anyways, we roll up to nation, and I see cops in the lawn of the dorms and a kid on the porch that looks like my bro. Well it is my bro and he gets handcuffed and shoved in the cop car. I’m freaking the f**k out and the safe ride dude told me to sit the f**k down and he took me to the address at the first party. I get to that house, sit down with some water and try to figure shit out. I didn’t have enough cash on me for bail, it’s 3 am or later, I’m worried and drunk as f**k. I wait a bit and call my best bud, he answers, slurring like hell, and said he was home. I was confused as f**k but said I’d be on my way. Google mapped the walk, said 30 minutes and I set out. I could not walk straight and I made it 4 blocks before I see a McDonald’s. Who doesn’t like McDonald’s drunk? Anyways, I walk into the lobby to order and the dude tells me that the lobby is closed. I told him to f**k off and just talked so much shit on my way out the door, drunk logic there was prime. I then see a truck in the drive through and just walk up and get in saying that they wouldn’t let me order inside and I’m drunk as f**k. Turns out to be 50 year old guy that sure shit shouldn’t be getting McDonald’s at 330 in the morning. I get my food and he decides to give me a ride to my best bud’s apartment. I have my two mcchickens and a large fry held close to me like it’s a million dollars. Anyways, I get to the apartment building and up to his apartments and knock on the door. No f*****g answer, so I knock louder, no answer. At this point the gay kid comes out again to see what was g oing on, so I knock again, evidently due to my drunk homophobia. My best bud now opens the door, butt ass f*****g naked and just stands there confused, all while the gay guy is just drooling like a dog. I push my roommate in his apartment and tell him to get his shit together. Bam, blackout completely, I wake up to a phone call of a friend asking us what the f**k happened. Still to this day, my buddy doesn’t know what he said to the cops, how he got home, how he got to the dorms in the first place, or whether or not he got a ticket that night. This is why him and I don’t drink together anymore.


        Central Washington University


          The Tree.

          So, this all happened within the first week of move-in day.

          After about a day of getting settled in and getting things for our dorm, it was starting to look pretty sick.

          We had one of the few triple rooms in the residence hall, and it had a lot of extra space compared to regular rooms, so we had people over all the time just hanging out. We got lights, speakers, always had music playing, it was really nice, and the extra space made it perfect for the chill room, even after hours.

          So, we tried to think of what else we could get for our room to make it even better.

          One of my roommates suggested getting a plant.

          Except, he said “We should get a plant” about, like, 5 times a day.

          It became somewhat of an inside joke and we all would start saying it all the time.  Probably 100 times within the next few days.

          One night, 6 days after move in, we have about 6 or 7 people just hanging out in our room, talking and listening to music. It was about 11 o’clock at night, and one of our friends stops and says “Hey, do you guys really want a plant?”

          So naturally, we said yes, thinking he was joking.

          He leaves the room with a grin on his face without another word.  

          A few minutes pass by and he still hasn’t come back.

          I was pretty confused, because, I assumed he was getting a little plant from his room or something.

          Then, about 5 minutes after he left, he comes back with an entire f*****g tree from the piano room nearby. All 6 of us start dying of laughter because nobody was expecting a 7 foot tree to be brought back to our dorm.

          We ended up keeping it in our room.

          So the next morning, I’m sitting in my 10 AM class and my roommate texts me saying he got in trouble for the tree. I saw him after class and apparently there was a police report filed for it, and he had to talk to the cops. From what he told me, the cops were super chill about it and didn’t care at all, they “weren’t even sure if they should tell him to not do it again.”

          But, we didn’t want to get in any more trouble so we had the guy that took it take it back.

          That’s the story of The Tree and how we had a police report filed within the first week of moving in to college for the first time.



          Fort Hays State U


            This isn’t as much as a story as it is a long question.

            Well, my girlfriend is bisexual.

            And recently we got in a fight about it.

            I told her that if she was with another girl, then I’d consider it cheating and that I would have to leave her.

            She got mad at me about it and said that it’s “not cheating” and it’s “not even sex”.

            I shot back with “Lesbians are considered people. And they do have ‘sex’. Gay rights are more legitimate now. Which means when a lesbian has sex with another girl when she’s in a relationship, it’s cheating. So, how is it that when a bisexual girl has sex with another girl while she’s in a relationship, not cheating?”

            She just said “its not”, and stopped talking to me about it.

            To me, I respect anyone sexual preference, but if you are with me, you are WITH ME.

            Not any other man or women.

            That’s the point of a relationship.

            I really care for this woman and I could see myself marrying her, except, of course, if she does cheat on me with another woman.

            It’s a deal breaker.

            I ask the collegefession world to give me a hand, respond to this, and tell me who is right and wrong and why.

            Thank you.


            Southern University


              “I’ve been having the best sex of my life for the pass month. So there this we’ve been havi g a lot of sex lately but today was just so funny due to the fact my roommate was asleep like 10 ft away. So not only was I trying to not be seen by her I was also trying to muffle the full out moans I could not refrain. So he and I were talking laying in bed laughing like we usually do and we started everything off with a 69 like we usually do. And because we didn’t want my roommate to know we did what we usually did. We’d lay on our sides and he would slide in from the back only for some reason today was not working we wanted to full out sex. So we started having hard full out plowing sex and I tried sooooo hard to muffle my moans so my roommate wouldn’t find out but the bed continued to pound the wall as hard as possible. We ended up having the most silent rough sex ever. He even picked me up over his shoulders and devoured me. But yeah the best sex I’ve ever had. Muted and all.”


              Eastern Washington University


                “It was a normal Monday during this last winter quarter, I was trying to hit on this pretty girl from a few floors up but the only way I was gonna be able to hang out with her was if her bigger annoying roommate came along. As a thirsty first year student I was okay with it. After eating at one of the school dining sandwich places we decided to head back to our dorms to continue hanging out.
                As the night progresses we end up in my room with my roommate Carl, and our new floor mate Mike. Well I know alcohol gives everybody extra confidence and I wanted to make a move on her, so all five of us start drinking. *This is where it turns into a WTF moment.*
                As we’re drinking I bring up group fooling around, the annoying roommate was quick to agree, while the attractive girl decided against it because she was on her period. So myself, crazy Mike, and the bigger roommate start fooling around on my roommate’s bed. We start tag teaming this girl and the attractive roommate and my roommate Carl are making out in the corner because she thought we were hurting her friend, so he kept her quiet with his tounge. I drank too much and couldn’t keep it up, so I ran out of my room shirtless, and like 12 guys from the building are next door, I tell them what happened and try to pick up more girls from the attractive girl’s floor only to be thrown out and head back to my floor.
                Moral of the story is that alcohol + ugly girls = memories.

                I missed Teen Wolf that night, and that was my biggest regret.”


                Ohio State University


                  “I was a virgin at the time, and one night I got a text from a guy I had been talking to- “Let’s have sex”.
                  Of course he was surprised when I texted back saying, “Ok, why not”, he had only been kidding, but today I was especially horny.
                  Nevertheless in about half an hour we were in the back of his car awkwardly sitting and staring at the seats in front of us. Remember I had never had sex before so I was waiting for him to make the first move, but after a minute or two of silence and no movement I knew I had to make something happen. So I lean in for a kiss, and of course from there the clothes come off and I’m excited that I’m really about to be deflowered or however you want to put it. But all of a sudden he freezes… and I’m like, “what’s wrong?”. Turns out he couldn’t get it up… I was HORRIFIED.
                  This was supposed to go smoothly and just be an experience I wanted over and done with.
                  I thought it was my fault!
                  ..and even worse he decides to say, “maybe I’m gay”.
                  I laughed, but in my mind WTF was being thought over and over.
                  So in the next half hour I’m on my phone (naked) texting some friends as he looks up reasons why he was having performance problems.
                  He then proposes that he watches porn to help him, I’m all for it since the situation was not anything how I imagined it. And so we continue to watch our favorite porn together.
                  All in all by the end of the night I lost my virginity and I had an experience I would NEVER forget.
                  Awkward is definitely the word I would use to describe the night.”


                  University of Kansas (or anywhere, really)


                    “This isn’t so much a story as it is a serious topic for discussion (that is well over 140 characters, too long for a #replytweet). If there was a forum of sorts on this website, believe me, I would have posted it there, but it doesn’t exist. Or I can’t find it. But I figured, on the off chance this gets posted, the comments section would be a good place for discussion. For this “story,” pretend you, the reader, are person A.

                    Let me pose a situation. You are person A. You are dating person B. Person B goes out drinking and cheats on you with person C, a random stranger at the bar. You, person A, are obviously very angry. But with whom should you be angry? I hear time and time again, whether in real life, in the movies, or wherever else, that person A tends to get pissed at person C (i.e. “you slept with my boyfriend/girlfriend you son of a bitch, I’m going to kick your ass!). I believe that is the wrong way to think.

                    This popular reaction does nothing towards solving the relationship itself because, while it attacks the problem, it doesn’t attack the SOURCE, which is person B (I’m not saying PHYSICALLY attack, mind you). In other words, my belief is that there is no reason to get angry at person C because (we assume) person C does not know that person B has a significant other, or at least does not personally KNOW person A (obviously, in a situation where person C KNOWS that person A and B are dating and sleeps with person B anyways, THEN both people are to blame. But that is not the situation).

                    My question is – Why does person A tend to blame person C? Person C didn’t do anything wrong. To his/her knowledge, person B was just a single person out having a good time. Why should person C be getting accosted with hate messages from person A about sleeping with person B when person C didn’t even know that person B had a significant other?

                    I guess my point is, the fault lies with person B for being unfaithful at all. There is no situation where person B (a.k.a, the unfaithful one), is NOT at fault. The only situation where person C is also at fault is if person C is good friends/frat brothers/sorority sisters with person A and STILL sleeps with person B, KNOWING that person B is dating person A.

                    I hope that wasn’t too long-winded. The purpose is to get this posted and to have rational discussions in the comments section. If this gets posted, thank you for reading and please discuss your opinions or similar situations in the comments. If not, well I hope that there comes a place on this website where discussions can take place, like a forum.”




                      I was on a cruise with my friends this summer in late July to the bahamas and I remember meeting the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life on this boat. I approached her on one of our stops on the beach, she was so beautiful, short hair, Puerto Rican, sun kissed skin and one of the teeth on her bottom row was kinda crooked but I loved it, she still had the most beautiful smile and she told me that her name was Hailey. I remember her telling me all about herself, she was from the bronx, she wrote poetry, and she liked rock music such as the Beatles, Pink Floyd, and she thought Frank Sinatra was classical music lol. She was shy and a bit awkward but it was cute, she had this unique beauty about her that ive never seen or felt this type of vibe from her that I’ve never felt before. I remember dancing with her on the top deck in front of her parents but it didn’t bother me it was fun teasing her about her dancing afterwards it gave me a chance to flirt a bit. I just nev er got to hang out and talk to her as much as I wanted to though because she was always with her parents.

                      So fast forward to the morning of the day every passenger on the boat has to leave, my friend comes up to me and says “hey hailey is in line getting breakfast.”My stomach dropped, but I sucked it up and jumped in line right behind her. I remember trying to tell her that I was looking for her the night before and how much fun it was and how she should have been there, and then out of nowhere my arms turned into jelly and I couldn’t stop dropping everything, I dropped my plate and she said sarcastically “geez stop being so clumsy” And afterwards she pulled out her phone and had a huge crack on it, I think this was a hint from her telling me to ask for her number. But like an idiot I didn’t, at the time I was thinking it would be pointless to have her number and stay in contact since we live so far away, and instead I just said “Damn your phone is messed up!” So she gets all her food and awkwardly stands in front of me saying “well, it was really nice meeting you” and I said wit h a plate of food an a drink in my hand, ” I would hug you but my hands are fu-” and I dropped my drink and some of it got on my pants, and she just laughed. And now since one of my hands were free, we hugged, and said goodbye and I remember sitting down with my friends and immediately regretting not asking for her number, but it was too late. I’ve tried looking for her on the Internet and I’ve even called the cruise but somehow I never got her last name and I don’t think I ever told her my last name either, which makes it 10x harder to search for her or, if she still cares, it’s harder for her to find me too and on top of that, I’m not even sure how to spell Hailey (there are a lot of different ways to spell this name apparently). All I know is that I could have passed up a chance with someone that could of changed my life and I think about it all the time.

                      This is pretty much my last resort to finding her, hoping that she or anyone she knows will see this and let her know that I’m trying to find you, Hailey.

                      -Marques N


                      Boise State


                        “I’m starting my junior year and my sister is starting her freshman year. My sisters cute friend came up with our family to help move my sister move in. When all the stuff was moved in, my family wanted to get dinner. I said I was too tired and they could go without me. To my surprise, my sisters friend said she wasn’t hungry either.

                        Once they left, we started talking. It quickly turned into flirting. I dared her to kiss me. She dared me to make out with her for a whole minute. I dared her to take my pants off.

                        She got on her knees and have me the best blowjob of my life. I came in her mouth and she swallowed.

                        It was like a f*****g porno.”