Portrait of a very happy young man in a rain of money

‘Tis the season, my friends. Happy Christmas, Merry Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa Greetings! I hope you’re all enjoying dangerously high BACs and nasty homemade eggnog. I get it. Some of you are miserable. Listen near, my young grasshoppers— it’s because you’re in a relationship. Consider the following points as you wonder why you’re the scrooge this time of year.


If there seems to be a black hole at the bottom of your wallet recently, chances are you’re in a relationship. Having a girlfriend (or boyfriend) is already expensive as balls…but when you throw in presents, ice skating, and 400 gallons of hot chocolate/coffee, you’ve got quite the bill. What do us single people spend our money on? OURSELVES. And I guess we’ll throw like $4 towards gifts for our family members.

One Less Psychotic Family

Having 113 uncles, aunts, grandparents, and other miscellaneous relatives is already stressful enough. Now imagine that stress and multiply it by two. Aint nobody got time fo’ dat. Imagine all the awkward things both of your family members will say to you. You’ve got creepy uncle Steve asking about your love life and ole grandma asking if she’s gained weight since the last time you were home.

Big Gift is All Yours

There’s usually that one gift you just drop a few hundred bucks on. You know who gets that gift when you’re single? YOU. I shit you not, I just bought an Xbox One. Xbox > Bae.

Time to Let Loose

You don’t need to hold back on the alcoholic eggnog or grandma’s cookies. Being single there’s nobody you need to impress or be a gentleman around. Put on some sweatpants, sip on some fancy Keystone, and watch some playoff football. #HereWeGoSteelers #HereWeGo

YOUR New Year’s Resolutions

If you’re gonna break New Year’s resolutions, they ought to be yours that you break. I’m tired of seeing couples make resolutions together based off their relationship. HATE TO BE THAT GUY…but statistically speaking, you guys are gonna be over by the end of the year.
Happy beings single, my friends. You do you, boo.

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